Just when I think things are maybe going to be ok ..... something else slams in on me. Buddy started hemorraging out his nose on Tuesday. He went blind a few weeks ago .... very suddenly. He had a snuffly nose for a couple weeks .... then BAM .... completely blind. Zach took some blood to see if he could pinpoint what was causing it. Nothing. His counts turned up perfectly normal. Other than the blindness and snuffly nose, he was a perfectly healthy dog. He suspected a brain tumor or something in his that shouldn't be there. He said it is likely he has limited days. He prescribed prednisone and some other drugs to try to keep him as comfortable as possible in his last days. We had no idea how long he'd go. I had another dog go blind a couple years ago and she went for months. I was secretly hoping inside that one day I'd wake up and the drugs would have taken away the tumor and he'd be back to the old Buddy I knew. Able to see again and run and play. Didn't happen. He had a couple seizures last week. When that happened I knew we were getting to the end. He's never had a seizure before. After he would come out of them he was so disoriented. It took him a while to get back walking around again and feeling his way around the house and outside. He started peeing and pooping in the house but I didn't punish him. He couldn't help it. I just followed him with paper towels everywhere. Then on Tuesday when the blood and goo started coming out his nose .... I knew it was time. I took him in and held him tight while Rich gave him the shot. I laid on the couch the rest of the day. Didn't do much of anything. Cancelled my lessons. Just laid and cried. Deb and Jessica saw that I hadn't been outside when they got here to play with Chief so they did chores for me. They're great friends.
The next day -- Wednesday -- was a little better. Busy, busy day. Got up early and got all my housework and barn work out of the way. Cleaned up Tina and the baby's stall and cleaned and swept the entire top barn. Got a lot done. Went and got a round bale and dumped it in the afternoon. Had my first lesson come in at 2:30. Then it was pretty much non-stop because i had lessons 2:30 - 3:30, 4, 5, and 6. Plus Krystle and Dani were coming over ... Val was coming to ride Penny .... and Jess and Deb were coming to ride Chief. It was grand central station around here!! In the middle of my 5:00 lesson with Jade, Dani came to the middle of the ring to tell me that I needed to go in the house right away. She said something is wrong with Paco. She said she would take over the lesson. I hurried into the house. There was little Paco laying on the kitchen floor all bloody and not moving. Krystle was laying next to him. He was still alive but barely. The other dogs had obviously packed up on him and attacked him for some reason. He's been here for over a month and nobody has ever shown any aggression towards him. I have no clue what happened ...... but he was in bad shape. I called the emergency number for the vet. Luckily Rich and Zach were still both there. They both looked at him ....... he had so many wounds from the dogs biting him. ....he did sit up when they pushed on him so that was a good sign. They both thought he was in rough shape but he may make it. they were going to keep him for the night and give him some IV fluids to stop swelling and something for pain and would call me in the morning. Well, 7:30 ..... Rich called. Paco passed away sometime overnight. He was suprised. He said he was actually doing better when he left the night before. He must have had more internal injuries than we knew about. He wasn't here very long, but he was such a sweet dog. I got really attached to him. First Buddy ... then the very next day .... Paco leaves me.
I went outside to do chores ..... halfway through I started crying. I finished them up and came inside ..... and then just lost it. I don't know what happened to me. I started shaking and crying and couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating and getting dizzy. I tried to call my brother then Krystle ..... no answer. Finally got my friend. I told her I was in trouble and needed her to just talk to me. Get my mind off everything happening. I was going crazy....... something was really wrong with me. Well, she did. She told me a few funny stories and got me talking and got my mind off everything going wrong around here ....... and trust me .... there's a lot more than just Buddy and Paco. I think they were the last straw ...... I've been trying to hold it together for so long. To be strong. I've been trying to get through everyday one day at a time. Losing two animals back to back and the last one I felt was my fault. I should have kenneled everyone before I went outside and that wouldn't have happened. I haven't been kenneling anybody lately because I'm not out there long ..... they've all been doing really well getting along inside and waiting for me to get done with my lessons. If I had kenneled them, this would not have happened and Paco would be with me today.
I continue to get more blows each day from the pending divorce and settlement. I am working so hard to try to keep the farm and the animals afloat. I finally got a couple breaks this week. Both came almost simultaneously ...... two job openings .... one in Hampton and one in Mason City. Both part time/temporary. Not for very long. Both sporadic hours. I was thinking .... well, maybe I can do them BOTH plus keep the lessons. Both are day hours. My lessons start in the late afternoon and go to early evening. I start one position Monday and work 8-4 in Mason City keying html code for a company. It's 45 minutes to Mason ..... I can be home by 4:45 .... change my clothes and be outside ready to give lessons by 5. I have moved most of my lessons to 5, 6, and 7pm. each night. I can take care of chores and the boarders after I get home. I can do the other job on the 'off hours' on the weekends or when the first one slows down. I keep thinking .... whatever it takes. I need to do whatever it takes. I look at the donkeys and the puppies and the horses ..... Mr Gato .... the new mini baby ..... whatever it takes. I have to take care of them. Everything is going to be ok. I keep telling myself that ..... everything is going to be ok.
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