More of Nothing

...another day of nothing. Nothing isn't good.....it leaves way too much time for thinking. I've officially gone through two whole days with no contact from any human beings. Krystle and Ben did stop this afternoon for five minutes ..... the only people I've seen since Friday at 1pm. I can see how people who are on desert islands go insane. I talk to the dogs but it's not the same.

I did chores but not too much to do there. Brushed the donkeys. Sat on the porch by myself for awhile until I got too hot. I mostly just laid on the couch staring at the ceiling .... thinking. ....nobody to cook for. .....nobody to clean for. It's amazing how little laundry and dirty dishes one person generates. ...worst thing is there's really nowhere to go tomorrow either. ....or Tues or Wed or Thurs .... nobody coming over. Nothing I have to go do. .....but just sit here. ....and wait. .....but I'm really not sure what I'm waiting for. I know I've said that before but this long weekend of nothing made me think of that again. ...made me think about the upcoming holidays ... Thanksgiving ... Christmas .....and nobody will be here. Will I even put the tree up? or any of the decorations? or will I even still be here in this house? and then when I got choked up and started panicking, I calmed myself back down and thought .... just get through now. Don't worry about what's so far in the future ...... and then scaled back and thought about October and Halloween ..... that's closer. but what will be happening in October here? I remember the busy BUSY Octobers of just a few years ago. ...and Septembers ..... that were so hectic I wished for some peace and quiet. I should know better .... like they say -- "Be careful what you wish for ...." .....Now I have nothing happening. I used to be able to tell you what I was going to be doing 5 years from now .... 10 years from now ..... we had goals and plans. ..but now I just try to get through today. and not think about tomorrow.

I guess I do have to go get a round bale sometime in the next couple days. That'll take an hour or so. ....should go get gas and pump up my tire. There are three nice parades coming up in the next couple weeks ..... Eldora's Hardin County Fair parade on Wed .... Dumont Days on Saturday ..... Hampton's Franklin County Fair parade next Tues. Probably won't go to any of them because everybody's got plans and nobody can ride in them with me and I don't want to go by myself. That would look dorky -- one white horse riding down the road waving at everybody. ..... awkward.

Gato and I do have a birthday party scheduled for the 15th and the Tama County Fair is coming up on the 21st of July. I guess I have those two outings to look forward to. I could have nothing so that's better than nothing. I keep telling myself that everything is going to be ok. Things will get better. I just have to wait for whatever it is that's going to happen. Everybody keeps saying there's a reason all this is happening ...... so I'm trying to be patient and believe that something better is coming. I'm sick and tired of reading all the inspirational crap out there and am going to scream if I hear one more ...."when one door closes, another one opens" peice of bull crap.

ok .... well, I've killed a little more time now so I'm going to let the dogs out to pee then I'm going to bed. Gotta get ready for a big day of more 'nothing' tomorrow. Maybe I'll pull out of this hole and start working on my list. ....because you see it's not that there isn't things to do around here. There's a ton of stuff to do. It's just that I don't feel like doing them because i just think .... "Why?" I don't know if I'm even going to be living here much longer. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow or next month or next year. It's really hard to be motivated to do anything when you have absolutely no direction.

I watched a bunch of "Hoarder" episodes this afternoon. I hope I don't turn into a crazy hoarder during all this. I felt a lot like that crazy Elvis guy tonight. .....not good. ....not good at all.