Was laying in bed last night just thinking. …what has happened to me? Where has the Kelly I used to know gone? How can a person who used to be so confident and self assured now be so scared and stupid and just plain pathetic? It’s so bad that I don’t even want to be around me myself.
Yeah, I know I said I wasn’t going to be such a downer on facebook or on my blog ….nobody wants to read depressing crap all the time. But I’m going to write this. This is how I’m feeling and I’m going to just write it. Maybe there is a tiny piece of the old Kelly in here that thinks … screw it, if you all don’t like it, then don’t freaking read it. It’s my blog. ...so if you don't want to be depressed stop reading now. Here we go ....
I used to teach a team building personality class. I truly believe that you are what you think you are. Your mind is so very powerful. When you are confident, you carry yourself differently. People are drawn to others who seem to be comfortable in their own skin. They want to be around you. They seek your approval. Think about when you go into a restaurant with a group of people. The waiter/waitress doesn’t know anyone in the group but he/she will look immediately to the one person at the table to appears to be in charge. That person doesn’t have to be loud or obnoxious ….. just confident. It’s an ‘aura’ …. It’s easily sensed by others. I used to be that person. The only other person whose ‘aura’ was bigger than mine ….. was Russ. If we were both in a room …. Watch out. We took over wherever we went.
And on the contrary … when you're feeling defeated and unsure of yourself, you subconsciously show it. Nobody wants to be around that. Your whole ‘aura’ changes. People shy away. They pity you and feel sorry for you. People treat you differently. I am ashamed to say that this is what’s happening to me and I don’t know how to stop it. This post is going to probably get weird. But I’m just going to type out all that’s in my head. It seems to make me feel better and think things through. Bear with me.
I used to have a great career. I made a tons of money. I had a bunch of people working for me …who did whatever I said…..I had an assistant ….a huge, beautiful office …..I worked my ass off and in turn was living the dream. I was so very confident with myself. Ask anyone who knew me back then. It seemed like anything I touched, turned to gold. Whatever decision I made was the right one. …. But of course if I happened to make the wrong decision from time to time, who cares – everyone makes mistakes – get out of my face and move on. I rock. You suck. I said get out of my way or I’ll run you over.
Then …I had an opportunity presented to me where I had a choice. Leave the career I had been working so hard in for many, many years to let my husband continue to move up in the company or stay and continue my reign of power. Well, we all know what happened there. I ‘retired’ back in 2003. Quit. I left to go manage the farm while Russ got his promotion. …thinking the whole time I rock and you suck. I deserve this. I’ll turn this stupid little farm into something FABULOUS!
Everything was good. I won’t lie to you, though. I lost a tiny bit of that confidence I had before. A little bit of swagger left me when I left my position at Ball. I used to be a really strong person. Ok … let’s just say it. I was a complete bitch in the old days. People got out of my way. How would you put it nicely? I had a very ‘high ego strength’. :o) Now I no longer have that big time position in a Fortune 500 company …. I’m at home on a farm. Scooping crap. Talking to animals. Hmmmm. Yeah. I convinced myself over time that because I had WILLINGLY left … I wasn’t fired or laid off, that I was still “Kelly”. I was still special. I ‘retired’. …..Willingly. So, yeah ….. I still rock. I’m still “all that”. Just now I’ll be amazing at home.
So I went to a website class … learned how to do my own website. Then I truly believe because of my confidence in general, my friends asked me to do their sites. I told them I don’t really know how to seriously do websites. I just took one 8 hour course. They didn’t care. They wanted me. Ok …. Whatever. Sure…..but you guys hire me at your own risk cuz I don’t know what I’m doing. …but I believe even though I said that …. I believed that I was good. Inside. I knew I rocked when it came to designing sites. I had the ‘knack’. Cuz I was “Kelly”. And even though I pushed people away, I eventually grew that business to over 40 sites going at once. People were begging me to do their sites. I was stunned … but not surprised. Cuz I’m Kelly. Of course they want me to do their stuff. I rock.
Still bored. Still need challenged. I’m better than this. Hey! Let’s open a haunted house. Wanna run a horse show? Sure!! Bring it on! How ‘bout I run two? Or Three?!! I can do it ALL!! …and on and on. My initial ‘cockiness’ and ‘bitchiness’ had subsided and calmed to a happy medium since I had left my job but I was still super confident in just about everything I did. If I couldn’t do something I just thought ‘screw it, I didn’t want to do that anyway.’ Whatever …. It’s stupid. And I moved on. I never once thought I COULDN’T do it …. I just didn’t WANT to do it. Totally different mindset.
I got hypothetically ‘hit’ a bunch of times by people who didn’t think I was as great as I thought I was. But it didn’t phase me. They tried to knock me completely down but they couldn’t. ….Because I rock and they basically all SUCK. When you have a huge ego, people can throw things at you, body check you, do their worst to try to knock you down but they can’t. What they do doesn’t matter. When you’re invincible in your head, you’re so strong. You can do anything. Screw everybody else. You tend to think ‘outside the box’ …. Because there’s really nothing you can’t do. If you think it, you can do it. I hated hanging with people who didn’t see things that way. They’re pathetic. I’m awesome. I can do ANYTHING. Just ask me. …and people did. You’d be surprised what people ask you when you’re confident in yourself. When you exude an aurora of all knowing excellence people want to be around you. People would call me with the weirdest questions. ….Because I could answer them. …and if I couldn’t, it was a stupid question anyway. ;o) See how that works? You’d think right now ….. what a horrible person I was. On the contrary, I had a lot of friends. People were calling me to do their websites, to run their horse shows, to write even more blogs – only professionally this time, or to work for them doing something or another. I just attracted all kinds of great things……. Confidence does that for you.
Until recently. I received a blow so hard. It knocked me completely down. Totally off my feet. I’ve never felt this way before. It’s like someone pulled a plug on my body and all my confidence and self–belief has slowly leaked out over the last few months. It’s like someone has torn my heart and soul out of my body.
..and it’s a vicious cycle. The more horrible you feel, the more dreadful things around you start becoming. It's like my brother said to me recently .... Kelly, bad things used to happen to you like they are now, only you never noticed them. Things are no worse or no better now. Only now you focus on the bad things instead of the good things and the despair is overcoming you. Before you thought you were invincible so bad things were just tiny bumps in the road. Now they're complete road blocks. I know he's completely right. I just don't know how to re-program my thinking to go back to the way I was before.
Like I said earlier --- you are what you think you are. If you think you’re a loser ….. It’s amazing how quickly you actually become one. When you’re confident people are jealous of you and admire you and want to be you (or at least you think that in your head :o) When you are down, they pity you and feel sorry for you and eventually stay away from you (or again, it may not be true but if you think that in your head, it becomes truth). You no longer have an inner light shining that says – I am awesome. It’s more like a fog …. That says – I’m sorry I suck so bad but please be my friend even though all I can do is cry now.
It’s a killer. The old Kelly couldn’t be shaken. ….I thought, yeah I’m bored now. Gonna take a dying horse show and make it the biggest around. I can do it. Hmmm …still bored … I’m gonna build the biggest haunted house in the state …. What? I can’t do it? Watch me. And again …still bored…..I’m going to go find a part time job. I don’t have to work but I think I’ll go see what I can shake up. …so I find that receptionist job at a local law office. It was a hoot. My friends laughed and said I wouldn’t last there two weeks. I’m too bossy. And demanding. There’s no way I can work somewhere where I’m not the boss and running things. I told them – let’s just see. I bet I can. Watch me ….I’m Kelly so I can do whatever I set my mind to. Turned out, I actually really liked my little job.
But then something happened mid-stream. When a person gets knocked down, their whole mindset changes. When you’re on the ground looking up … everything changes....the view is pretty scary from down there. I realized that life wasn’t going to ever be the same again. I wasn’t just playing now. I NEEDED that job. It’s wasn’t for fun anymore. I HAVE to work there. What?! It hit me ….. Oh My God …. I’m a receptionist. Working for $11 an hour 3 hours a day. What in the hell has happened to me?! This isn’t me. I used to be contracted at $100 an hour by Pepsi North America. And $75 an hour by Ball Corporation. People BEGGED me to work for them. What the hell am I thinking? I need out of here. This is NOT ME. ….but I was paralyzed. That plug had been pulled and the confidence was already leaking out of me. I went to a couple interviews ….. where of course I’m invicible. …kind of. ...I’m Kelly? There’s no doubt I’m going to get these loser jobs. …Sure. I’m Kelly for God’s sake. I would go in and basically try to be my old self but it somehow wasn’t the same. I was now a bit scared. Ok, who am I kidding ... I'm in a complete PANIC. I’m in trouble. I don't have a job ... this isn't good. .....and it showed. Subconsciously. Of course I didn’t get any of the the jobs I've interviewed for so far. And that dislodges the confidence plug just a little more as my poise and self-assuredness rolls out even faster.
I thought …. Um, ok …. What the heck is going on here? Well, they’re just scared. They’re not hiring me because they know I’ll take over their popsicle companies in two weeks if they brought me on. They’re a bunch of chicken shits. I don’t need them. Didn’t want that job anyway. Whatever. The old Kelly was still in there ….. deep down. ….but she was fading away …. Fast. I told myself it’ll all be ok. I’m too good to work for them anyway. Whatever. ….yeah ….whatever.
In the meantime as time passes ….I was still at the little office. Still being a receptionist. Now realizing this isn’t just a hoot job for fun ….. this is really my JOB. This is my LIFE?!! ….and I’m now seeing that it really SUCKS ASS. (sorry if you guys are reading this from work …. I loved the people I worked with ….they were all awesome and the best people you could hope to have around during this tough time … but I just really HATED what I was doing) It was like driving a knife in my heart day after day after day ….. the confidence was draining out of me so fast. I felt myself even walking different. I would sit there and think …. Do they even know who I used to be?! What I used to do? OMG! What am I doing here????!!!!!! I AM KELLY! I grew a stupid little show to nothing to SHOW OF THE YEAR for God’s sake. I had one of the largest haunts in Iowa … in a stupid BARN … in the middle of NOWHERE. I can’t even do websites but I have a bigger business than most real website companies. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?!!?! But I couldn’t leave ….. because I had nothing else to go to. Because nobody was hiring me. I have found that once you get knocked off your feet …. It’s a lot easier to get knocked down again …. And again. Like Chubawumba … I Get knocked down … but I get up again. Yeah, but after a while it gets harder and harder to get back up again. I find that you tend to stay down a little longer each time.
You know …. People ask me how I can get up in front of all those people and do the dancing horse thing. Aren’t you scared? I laugh and think…I probably should be because I really don’t know how to ride a dancing horse and I really have no clue how to do these stupid tricks and movements. I’m not a performer….. but it’s really the same thing as the website biz that I had no clue about …. Nope it’s not hard at all.....if you're awesome.....and can do anything in your head. It’s really easy to get out there and dress up and go in front of hundreds of people flitting around doing my best to ride a dancing horse looking a bit ridiculous in all those off the wall costumes But I wing it. …. Cuz in my head … I can do no wrong. I’m awesome. And then when people tell you you’re awesome, it just fills your confidence level to overflowing and you continue to get that ‘fix’ every time you go out there. Doesn’t matter if people make fun of you or criticize that you’re doing this wrong or that wrong because you don’t hear those people – you only hear the people that are saying you’re beautiful and so talented and AWESOME! :o) and over time – you become AWESOME. …. But when your plug is pulled ….. those compliments don’t stay inside as long. They tend to run out faster and faster. Until the bad comments begin to stick ….. and you start hearing those in your head instead of the good ones. …and everything in your life gets harder and harder …. and harder ….
The last interview I had was different. Don’t get me wrong …. I think I did ok. Maybe. I don’t know. (um … can you see what I’m doing here already? The old Kelly would have said I rocked in that interview. I’m probably the best applicant they’ll get … overqualified … FOR SURE ….it’s their loss if they don’t hire me. … but now …. I’m not sure. Maybe I did ok? WTF?!?!?!! Did I actually just type that????!!! ) When the lady asked me what my strengths were …. I hesitated. I actually hesitated?? Yep. It’s scary. I ….. hesitated. I couldn’t think of any. She looked at my resume and broke the awkward silence and said …. Well, this is probably a stupid question for you because it looks like you can do just about anything. I snapped out of it and laughed (her compliment temporarily filled me up a tiny bit of confidence again) and I said OH …. Ok, yeah ….. I can do this and this and this……. My strengths. :o) ….but the scary part was. I hesitated. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I’M KELLY!!! I’m AWESOME! I CAN DO ANYTHING! I am so messed up in the head right now the only thing running through my mind was don’t say this or don’t say that. They’re not gonna like me. OMG! The old Kelly would have laughed and said WTF …. Who cares if they don’t like me …. Their loss. They have no clue who I am. This new Kelly is a timid, pathetic, stupid creature that even I don’t like very much. I wouldn’t even hire me.
I’m now worried about this birthday party coming up on Sunday. 40 people. I don’t know if I can handle 40 people. WHAT?! WHAT AM I SAYING?!!! I had HUNDREDS of people here a NIGHT for the haunted house. I handled HUNDREDS of people daily at the show. I can’t do 40 stinking people? This is a walk in the park.
…but the bad thing is …. If you think you can’t. You can’t. It works the same way as invincibility. Goes both ways. You can tear yourself down in your head the same way you pump yourself up. I’m a teacher. I teach people this stuff. I know this stuff. …so I sit here typing this. Knowing I’m sabotaging myself more and more everyday. I’ve been knocked down so many times I am now crawling. I can’t get up anymore. I’m pathetic. I’m a loser. I cry all the time …. Everyday. I used to make OTHER people cry. I never cry. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!
I need to find the plug. The plug is now completely gone. Compliments run in and out in minutes. They don’t stick. I’m filled up with despair and hopelessness. I feel worthless. This is not me. I don’t know where the plug is so the cocky Kelly can come back. The confident, 'can do no wrong', 'knows everything' Kelly. I worked YEARS building that Kelly. Who knew that years of confidence built up can run out so fast when that plug is pulled.
I now see how homeless people become what they are. When they were once successful, confident people. Now shunned. Living on the streets. I could never figure out why they don’t just suck it up and get over it and get back out there. They’re losers. Now I know. It’s a vicious, horrible, nasty cycle that is so very hard to pull out of .
I end this post with the words of Chubawumba again …. I get knocked down ….
…and that’s where the song seems to end for me now. I’m not hearing the entire chorus anymore. I need to figure out where that plug is, stick it back in, and start filling up my confidence tank
….. and get back up again. …somehow ....but at this point, I don't know if I can get back up again. It's a lot easier to stay down.
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